Sunday, November 21, 2010

The "Bottom"

Diving into this pit of self-reflection and potential embarrassment is feeling a bit intimidating. What I am about to reveal is slightly personal and may be disturbing to some so feel free to stop reading at any point…

I say slightly personal, but it is actually very obvious to anyone who sees me that I lack a little somethin’-somethin’ in the booty department (that is if you’re someone who stares my butt…hmmm, awkward). I am, and have been for a while, well aware of this, but for some humbling reason life cannot let me forget it. This is best illustrated with a little story from the other day-

I’m running out the door on my way to have lunch with my mom like I do every Thursday, and in my rush almost leave my iPod but run back inside for it. We all know radio music is garbage so this is important. There are a modest 3,685 songs on my iPod, so imagine my delight when I plug it in, stick it on shuffle, press play, and hear “I like big butt’s and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny…”. You’ve got to love some Sir MixAlot. Then it went to Destiny’s Child’s “Bootylicious”. OK, I thought, a theme ha ha! But then, and I can’t even make this up, it played Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls.” At that point I was significantly cheesed off at my iPod and shut her down and pouted all the rest of the drive to lunch.

When it comes to body issues it’s best to have good friends. Belts are my friends, spendy designer jeans are my friends, but like anyone I always want more friends. So, wandering around Bed Bath and Beyond I found a new one. Her name is “Booty Pop” and we are BFFs now! Yes, it is a butt pad that you wear under your pants to give it a little more shape, some curves. It was working wonders for me, or so I thought-

Kevin- “Shalee. Why don’t you wear your fake butt anymore?”

Shalee- (long pause) “oh, I am wearing it……………”

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