Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Tan Lines!?!

That I am sitting here now with the slightest hint of a tan line is an act if incredible body transformation. I, for those who are unaware, am chronically the color of transparent. Just ask my nice blue veins. The only time in my life where I can claim with any honesty that I had a tan was in High School when I was swimming outside 3 hours a day 6 days a week! I was not blessed to be born with the Italian-caramel skin of my grandfather, mother, and little sister. The kind of skin that tans just at the thought of it. Jerks! I do have an anti-tan spot on my ankle, a spot that never tans, as a result it is easy for me to see if I’ve got any color (I don’t). So, on this warm (85 blistering degree) summer day, I had the amazing opportunity to be at home all afternoon. What to do with all that free time? I decided to take on a project, myself. I’m not good at all with just sitting and relaxing, listening to music bores the heck out of me, so my first task was to find something to do outside to keep me entertained. I came up with 3 ideas-

1. Water my plants (I have to remember that now since our rainy season has stopped)
2. Paint my nails (Kevin says I don’t do it enough)
3. Read a magazine (my favorite pastime of all!!!)

Now I have to admit, I did take out my iPod and play music the whole time. I began my tanning around 1:00 after meeting my mom for lunch. I had some tanning oil I had never actually used so I gave that a try. Talk about a shock. I sprayed it on and spent the next 8 sheets of paper towels blotting myself off. This tanning stuff is not for the faint of heart. I painted my nails (10 min.), I watered my plants (20 min.), and spent the next hour and a half reading my SELF magazine and talking on the phone. I finally decided I’d had enough cancer time (still looking as white as Victorian Nobleman) and went inside to wash the oil slick off my body. I went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and HOLY COW! A hint of red! I lifted up the sleeves of my t-shirt - a color variation! My legs? The same! I had gone from transparent to pinkish in one afternoon. I hope it lasts…


Monday, June 7, 2010

...Together We Make Mud (Garden Humor)

So, months and months ago, when we were still in the clutches of winter and in our apartment, I decided I was going to have a garden this year. At the time I thought we were going to be in our apartment for, well, a while. I found an AMAZING deal at Home Depot one day, two green wooden barrel planters, only $2 each! I guess people are not really in the market for planters in the middle of February…

What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce alone, with no dressing.

But then we moved. Yes! A house! A place with an actual patch of dirt -the size of a large beach towel- my dream garden. Now I just had to wait… February… March… April… May… MAY! My mom said I could start planting in May.

Like a prune,
you are not getting any better looking,
but you are getting sweeter.- N. D. Stice

It was time to start gathering my supplies. Shovel, check. Potting soil, check. Planters, check. Tomato cages, check. My parents, being avid gardeners, gave me some tomato plants, onion bulbs, some peppers, all great plants, but not enough. A trip to Fred Meyer finished me off with some more cherry tomato, bell peppers, peas, jalapenos (for Kevin), and spaghetti squash.

What what can you make from baked beans and onions?
Tear gas

It took Kevin about an hour to fill in my garden bed with some dirt we had off to the side, and it took me another hour to pull all the sticks and old roots out of it to make it suitable for planting. Next was a layer of potting soil mixed in and it was good to go. Planting time!

What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them.
- Kim Roblin

Yay! My plants are growing! Wait. My plants are being eaten! My poor peas, decimated. My squash disfigured. Another trip to Fred Myer for some biodegradable pesticide.

What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

Yay! My plants are growing again! Wait. A call from the landlord. My plants are too close to the house, my tomatoes may cause “leakage” of water into the house. Ok. I guess I get to buy more planters. Off to Home Depot again. We actually found some planters to match the two I already have. Some more potting soil and two large holes later my tomatoes are now on my patio and my garden is again thriving in all the rain we have been blessed with this past month!

My wife's a water sign.
I'm an earth sign.
Together we make mud.
- Rodney Dangerfield